a toast to myself.......

Pic by K.V.

(2nd December, 2003)

So far so good.. But the question is how far is it gonna remain good? Oh no, I m definitely not talking about the earthquake in China or blasts in Jaipur.. I am talking, as usual, about my blog. Why? Because the second question arises is how much I should share and with whom. Shall I start different blogs to share with different crowd of people? I guess not. Whats the use of writing at all then? Whats the use of writing it anyway?

We say, behave and express in a different way with dissimilar people. Or at least, I am different for different people and so is my personality(if it exists at all :-) ). Some feels I am not bothered about my life and some feels I m over thinking about it. I wont blame anyone for it, its all about how I behave and react with them. So, here, I am trying to write and express same bunch of feelings to all. I have over come of my confusion to start or to not to start a new blog so that, intentionally or unintentionally, I dont hurt any one. But then that is not what I want or may be that is what I want at some point – to express what I feel before its too late or as Topa has commented - Coz you just never get to know when the final bell rings.. There are things I wont be able to express to the ones responsible for brining me in this world – my parents – I love them and I know they know it. But this is some thing I don’t want to say but prove!

Coming back to friends, have you ever noticed how different we are with our girl friends let alone friends? There’s a small variation between different category of friends but difference of a complete world when it comes to a girl/boy friend? You don’t write poems if a friend ditch/leaves u..no one does…. But, I bet, any one can become a poet when it is about opposite sex. ( I never read a poem written by homosexuals :D). And as the matter of fact I m no exception. Years ago, I tried and got some sort of weird success with writing. This is when Sheena got married and I could do nothing but laugh in front of others over the situation and cry whenever I found myself alone. And that is where this urge of writing started within me. People around thought that I m cool and looking for another girl. But it was a different game for me. I wont say that I was too low and decided to crap my life or anything. But I missed here more than I miss my school days. I still miss her more than I miss my college days. She is the one to build a lil confident in me. She told me that ‘I am an angel’ which might not be true. At least I know I am not a devil for sure :-*. Life has to move on and it did for me, indeed. Okay, I m still in touch with her but that’s the least we planned together- JUST to stay in touch for all our life! Some of you may have problem with this. But then, its my life and I have rights to live it in my own way. The way I feel is right, even it may or may not be socially acceptable. Socially acceptable? Huh. Do we really care about it other than not roaming around naked? I am not sure. We do everything which is not even acceptable to our parents, lets not talk about others.

Rohit, I agree - "Crazy" does not conveys the magnitude of things i did on May 10, 2008. The word is just too small.” Yes, that one word does not and could not convey the magnitude of things u did. But then, there’s no such word exists? Further – “Life has taught me many lessons in the last few days, and trust me, the cost of learning these lessons is far beyond the affordability of ANYONE. On this day, i got a new meaning of "living life to the fullest". Coz you just never get to know when the final bell rings.” Nothing can heal the pain u have had but good you realized the ultimate truth of life quite early. I respect our tradition of not celebrating anything for long in remembrance of the lost one, the loved one. However, I respect Christian’s tradition more of raising a toast in remembrance of the lost one, the loved one – after all they have completed their tough and painful journey of life, journey to the road side. Also, your loved one never wanted you to be sad.

Similarly, after Sheena’s marriage, I wrote(I tried) few lines as a toast to me (I always believed she was a part of me). Take it lightly -

I may be no one for you,
But everything for me is just you.

I do not behave good some time,
But you are the best and all mine.

I love the way you smile each time,
It gives me pleasure for a life time.

I can never forget some of your face,
Which looks like an infant babe .

I respect all your thoughts and feeling,
Which gives courage for better living.

I want to stay always in your arms,
Which will keep me away from all harms.

Sheena,
My character may not be that true,
But it’s the truth that I have loved you.

In my sms,
I wanted to write a lot more,
But space was not enough for me to explore.

I just wish that I can compensate for my mistake,
But I know, god won’t allow me for a second take.

I want to smooch you till the day I die,
And want you to do everything without being shy.

Please,
Love me till the day I am alive,
And never ever go away from my life.

I hope my wish
Sometime will come true,
And I would be able to prove
That what all I can do for you....!

No comments please. This was first time I tried writing some thing of my own. Even all assignments in college were copied…. There are just two people in this world I would not want to read my blog – my first and last girl friend. funny eh? But I know they ll get to read it some day.. So I want to say that - M not sorry for anything..Not for u – not for myself……………

comments? send it to - road.journey@gmail.com

Tomrrow may come, but do not wait for it.....

Yesterday was a crazy day....completely....Topa(Rohit) will agree with me....

I did one of the craziest things yesterday.... didn't wanted to throw away 1/3rd bottle of Johnie Walker(Black Label) before my parents come back, I started with it in the very morning and didn't realized my speed unless it was finish, within half an hour....25 minutes to be precise....dont blame it on me, blame the restless scotch! What happened after that is a mystery....

But its not the case with Topa....I made my day crazy, intentionally....He did all the craziest things against his will and intentions....His uncle, very very close to him, expired yesterday.... I think his uncle was one of his idol.... My thank is due to his uncle and i wish to express it, now. b'cos of him we once had our dinner at ITC Shereton, Agra after adoring TAJ MAHAL in moon light....We could not have ever done this, otherwise....Me and Topa succesfully organized our farewell party at D'Minor, next to Hyatt...It was all arranged by his uncle.. Thanks for everything, sir !

Topa quoted these words in a mail few days ago - "U never know what life has in store for u ……… suddenly ……something as strange as this … can happen between … ashesh’s bday party on one day and my offsite on the other !!!! ". So True! Ashesh, Topa and me were craving to party on saturday night(yesterday) at my home....and suddenly as strange as this had happen between friday and saturday night...

I remember my first trip to Goa...we were all college friends except (Jaanu(Rohit Baluja) and Deepak)... Deepak being the most notorious guy and Jaanu being the most innocent of all...Jaanu is my childhood friend.... I had never seen him so excited and happy, ever, before for the trip.... Moments before our train started moving, we got to know our other choldhood friend, Anshul, had met an accident and died on the spot.... Nothing was in our hand and I couldn't do anything than taking care of Jaanu....Anshul and Jaanu were best friends.....after two days Jaanu had forgot about Anshul's accident for some time and was looking very very happy again - totaly absorbed in the Goa's mid night dinner mood....But life had some thing else in store for him and we got to know his father has expired of a heart attack....His father used to hate me most of times as Jaanu will not study but roam around with me all the time.... I always wanted to tell his father that I love his son, may be, more than he does....I think he knows this now if he can see us from stars....

Guys, believe it or not, within yesterday and today I have been shocked many a times. While I started writing this blog today evening, I was chatting with an Indian lady living in US....She's having a daughter..We used to chat long ago but then she suddenly and simply ignored me for no reasons..I got to chat with her today and this is what she said - "you knbow what....some days in life are good n some days are busy...then i dont chat wityhy any1.I have been fighting breast cancer since jan...easy nahin hota chat karna yaar...not that i ignore any1.so....if i dont reply...dont think that i am cold....just that i'm not able to."I didn't know what to reply back other than saying SORRY..

I didn't feel like writing anything more after chatting with her so I decided to go out for dinner (party everynight untill parents are back :-) ). Just after I had finish half of my super high calorie meal I recieved a phone call. I got a lil excited as there was some girl on the line calling me by name. But all excitement vanished soon for two reasons - 1) It was a job aspirant in my small company who was supposed to come tommorrow morning for interview. 2) She wont be able to come tommorrow as her grand father has expired today...... Like most of guys from same age group, I dont know how to handle these situations...What to say and what not too...I think saying nothing is much safer than experimenting with words in these situations.....

I have always been a coward of apologizing for my mistakes untill I went to Scotland..And, untill I met Roshni(my super X girl friend).. I shall not discuss about her other than mentioning that she taught me the importance of saying sorry....Also, that its better late than never.. For instance, I can proudly say that I wrote a big email to Poki(Paroksh) for my sarcastic behaviour throughout college days...It was not necessary as I was not the only one to bully him and he didn't have any copmlaints either. But I think he knows me better after reading my email.

Guys, life is too short to hate anyone and today is big enough to express yourself..B'cos yesterday is a long time ago; tomorrow is just a dream....So, if I may put it in my words, - "tomorrow may come, but do not wait for it !".

Like to share? leave a comment or write back to- road.journey@gmail.com.

B'cos, enough isn't enough.......

Okay! I might be forcing some of you to read this blog as earlier, but then you guys r part of my ultimate responsibility. You are my friends and family... It may sound weird just now but I am certain you would read it without any requests one day :-)
Few of you have appreciated my thought without telling what do you actually liked about it. But for those of you who didn't liked it or have had some or other reason to disagree, thanks for your feedback. Only feedbacks can make this blog continue and worthwhile for me and for you, if it does at all.

Aapt feels that reading this blog could make you look negatively towards your life. I never intend to do so. All I want from this blog is a healthy conversation which we usually ignore while partying or in get togethers'. We bravely discuss about flirting with girls, fighting with parent and colleagues, cheating in exams, faking documents and work experiences, and a whole lot of shit. Why not about life and relationships other than natural ones? I believe we share a relationship, good or bad, with every single person we have ever known. May it be the cab driver, cashier in food court, office clerk, neighbour(may be his daughter :-)) or any one else including that charity agent you would have hated most. For me, there is no 'neutral' kind of relation. Its either good or bad. If its not bad and I can approach some one when needed -its a good relation and vice versa. And as I wrote in previous blog, meaning of life is different for all - the most positive aspect could be negative for you. ALL ABOUT PERCEIVING....

Ashish says this blog is nothing but an unneseccary GYAN. Yes, only if you take it as some. Or else, its a discussion forum. Let the GYAN spread OR............ Lets discuss !

Ashesh has quite some thing to say or rather, to discuss... There is some thing tickling his mind throughout - "is it that you are getting a little dicy abt life.....world being this way...like being so self centred........or like may be not thinking abt anything..when i say anything i mean anyone around you...any1 who you think feels your importance.....but then you yoursef (i will call you the "writer") say that he has his friends around him and he is like ok about it and want to do something apart from them.....why does the writer doesent realise that he....his sis....his GF...his friends...his family.....are also some where connected to the world....ppl...or something which he wants to do...or may be like want to have that pleasure of livingmay be that doing somethng differently for them can also give him that pleasure which he is looking for". Ashesh, its not the world being this way. Its WE, usually, being this way - self centred. And I am trying to explore that very fact. If you read my blog once again, I never tried to ignore people around me - my friends and family. Instead, I have called them my "ULTIMATE RESPONSIBILITY". Okay, I agree that we may put more and more, may be all, efforts towards our ultimate responsibility. But as we say "enough is never enough", so we shall not forget our other responsibilities as well. for eg -
A father's ultimate responsibility is to take good care of his child. For it, he may work more and more to earn money which will never be enough. He shall also spend enough time with his child for studies, sports, and entertainment. In other words, he is suppose to give 100% of his time for his child (if not with him). But, let me tell you, he also have some responsibilities for his wife/ parents/ relatives/ friends and all. So? is enough really enough ? No, its not and it will never be.

Look at the flower I have fixed as a header. Flower has blossomed every single petal and not some. A few of them are going to stay and some wont be there for long..Similarly, I am not, straight away, going to do charity towards my social responsibilities but to well behave with everyone. Even when I blow my horn next time (Aapt? Ashesh?). And that will also give me some pleasure while doing Road Side Journey.........

ACTIONS LEAD HABITS... HABITS LEAD OUR LIFE

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Pleasure of Living !

Ever since I understood importance of my existence, I have analyzed that my existence do not really have any importance. Importance for people around me, importance for the community, importance for the nation, importance for the country, importance for anything at all.

The only people I am important to are my parent, sister, girl friend and a few other friends. Seriously speaking, this importance has nothing to do with me. rather, it has more to do with blood, relation and the time spent together. So, is this why I am existing? Is this why I am living for? well, I am not sure...... I am not sure of what I want to do for others, even I dont know what I want to do for my own self.... Graduation was important for living, so i graduated... Masters was important for good living, so I did Post Graduation.... Work is important for good living, so here I am, working!

Does that, by all means, mean that I am living just for the sake of living? Everything I do is for good living, everything I want to do is for good living and everything I may do in future will be for the sake of good living.... Wait, could you pelase explaing what is the meaning of good living...? mind you, I am not talking about the absolute definition but the true meaning... This could be a subjective question.. as every individual is different, meaning for living is different for all , quite obvious. Our parent takes care of us since we born till we or they die....And we do exactly same for our children, and they ll do the same for their....... Again, I may ask you, is this the reason we were born and shall die for? Just for us, for us alone? We utilize so much from the nature thorughout our life without ginving any returns back to it....Instead, we create so much of mess to people and nature around us, thats the proof we give for our existence...I dont wanna die with this pain in my brain of doing nothing throughout my life... I want, or i shall say I wish to do some good, some help, some support for others.. OTHERS, other than my family and friends...I agree that chairty begins at home and I shall start helping my family and friends first. But that is my ultimate responsibility and I should not mention that, ever, again..I will discuss things which I think will give me pleasure..Please dont take me wrong, I do not intend to say 'sex' by using word 'pleasure'..Instead, pleasure of self satisfaction; pleasure of happiness; PLEASURE OF LIVING..!

Folks, I am starting this blog, my first ever, because I want to explore the ways to get Pleasure OF Living in the journey we all do on regular basis within the much bigger journey called LIFE...while going for work, studies, dates, vaccations, shopping etc...And that, my friends, is

"The Journey to Roadside......................................."

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