a toast to myself.......

Pic by K.V.

(2nd December, 2003)

So far so good.. But the question is how far is it gonna remain good? Oh no, I m definitely not talking about the earthquake in China or blasts in Jaipur.. I am talking, as usual, about my blog. Why? Because the second question arises is how much I should share and with whom. Shall I start different blogs to share with different crowd of people? I guess not. Whats the use of writing at all then? Whats the use of writing it anyway?

We say, behave and express in a different way with dissimilar people. Or at least, I am different for different people and so is my personality(if it exists at all :-) ). Some feels I am not bothered about my life and some feels I m over thinking about it. I wont blame anyone for it, its all about how I behave and react with them. So, here, I am trying to write and express same bunch of feelings to all. I have over come of my confusion to start or to not to start a new blog so that, intentionally or unintentionally, I dont hurt any one. But then that is not what I want or may be that is what I want at some point – to express what I feel before its too late or as Topa has commented - Coz you just never get to know when the final bell rings.. There are things I wont be able to express to the ones responsible for brining me in this world – my parents – I love them and I know they know it. But this is some thing I don’t want to say but prove!

Coming back to friends, have you ever noticed how different we are with our girl friends let alone friends? There’s a small variation between different category of friends but difference of a complete world when it comes to a girl/boy friend? You don’t write poems if a friend ditch/leaves u..no one does…. But, I bet, any one can become a poet when it is about opposite sex. ( I never read a poem written by homosexuals :D). And as the matter of fact I m no exception. Years ago, I tried and got some sort of weird success with writing. This is when Sheena got married and I could do nothing but laugh in front of others over the situation and cry whenever I found myself alone. And that is where this urge of writing started within me. People around thought that I m cool and looking for another girl. But it was a different game for me. I wont say that I was too low and decided to crap my life or anything. But I missed here more than I miss my school days. I still miss her more than I miss my college days. She is the one to build a lil confident in me. She told me that ‘I am an angel’ which might not be true. At least I know I am not a devil for sure :-*. Life has to move on and it did for me, indeed. Okay, I m still in touch with her but that’s the least we planned together- JUST to stay in touch for all our life! Some of you may have problem with this. But then, its my life and I have rights to live it in my own way. The way I feel is right, even it may or may not be socially acceptable. Socially acceptable? Huh. Do we really care about it other than not roaming around naked? I am not sure. We do everything which is not even acceptable to our parents, lets not talk about others.

Rohit, I agree - "Crazy" does not conveys the magnitude of things i did on May 10, 2008. The word is just too small.” Yes, that one word does not and could not convey the magnitude of things u did. But then, there’s no such word exists? Further – “Life has taught me many lessons in the last few days, and trust me, the cost of learning these lessons is far beyond the affordability of ANYONE. On this day, i got a new meaning of "living life to the fullest". Coz you just never get to know when the final bell rings.” Nothing can heal the pain u have had but good you realized the ultimate truth of life quite early. I respect our tradition of not celebrating anything for long in remembrance of the lost one, the loved one. However, I respect Christian’s tradition more of raising a toast in remembrance of the lost one, the loved one – after all they have completed their tough and painful journey of life, journey to the road side. Also, your loved one never wanted you to be sad.

Similarly, after Sheena’s marriage, I wrote(I tried) few lines as a toast to me (I always believed she was a part of me). Take it lightly -

I may be no one for you,
But everything for me is just you.

I do not behave good some time,
But you are the best and all mine.

I love the way you smile each time,
It gives me pleasure for a life time.

I can never forget some of your face,
Which looks like an infant babe .

I respect all your thoughts and feeling,
Which gives courage for better living.

I want to stay always in your arms,
Which will keep me away from all harms.

Sheena,
My character may not be that true,
But it’s the truth that I have loved you.

In my sms,
I wanted to write a lot more,
But space was not enough for me to explore.

I just wish that I can compensate for my mistake,
But I know, god won’t allow me for a second take.

I want to smooch you till the day I die,
And want you to do everything without being shy.

Please,
Love me till the day I am alive,
And never ever go away from my life.

I hope my wish
Sometime will come true,
And I would be able to prove
That what all I can do for you....!

No comments please. This was first time I tried writing some thing of my own. Even all assignments in college were copied…. There are just two people in this world I would not want to read my blog – my first and last girl friend. funny eh? But I know they ll get to read it some day.. So I want to say that - M not sorry for anything..Not for u – not for myself……………

comments? send it to - road.journey@gmail.com